“My Tears Run Down Like Razor Blades.”

Yes, I have been crying again. Kind of. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a good, legitimate cry. A real, heart wrenching, body shaking sob fest. Probably about a year. Maybe my body is just tired of ripping itself apart over the same issues. I kind of wish I could cry like that right now. Maybe it’d help relieve some of this awful tension I feel.

I can’t tell if this tension is from Michael, Patrick, jealousy over my friend Leslie’s once again booming love life, my guilt over neglecting my friend Monica, my guilt over just barely trying for my mom, my guilt over kind of using my sister for her Adderol to stay awake so I don’t have to face my dreams, or all of them.

Oh yeah. The dreams- my main reason for this…

Just for detail purposes, I used to have this re-occuring dream back when I was in the midst of my Michael debacle. More like a nightmare. After I screwed around with him on New Years, I started having this dream that him, myself, Leslie, Paul and Monica were just walking around and hanging out like we used to all the time in our senior year. Then, Michael and I wound up ahead of everybody else, like always because we walk faster than them. We started talking about something and it made us fight. Here’s a little more background info: Before he and I fooled around, he screwed around with this girl named Amy. She had a SERIOUS thing for him and was always, always, always trying to get him to sleep with her. She was a whore, attention-wise and in the more common way. In this dream, he and I wind up fighting and we stop walking. We face each other and we’re just screaming and yelling and the only words from the dream I remember are these: “God, you’re JUST. LIKE. AMY. You’d do anything for some male attention, wouldn’t you?” I reel back like he slapped me across the face, because let’s face it- with that comment, he might as well have. So I actually did slap him across the face. I started crying and ran. And then, I’d wake up. I had this dream four or five times a week for a good five months. Leslie and I dubbed it, “The Amy Dream.” It stopped a long time ago, obviously.

Now recently, I’ve been getting weird vibes from Patrick. He does really sweet things and acts all cutesy with me and acts almost like he likes me back. Leslie and Monica are convinced that he does, at least a little. But then, he flirts like crazy with a co-worker named Brittany and every time we hang out, we always wind up talking about why we could never date. A conversation usually started by him.

About a week and a half ago, I started having this dream and I’ve been having it almost every night since then. It starts just like The Amy Dream, only it starts with he and I walking alone, no one else. We’re more comfortable with just us than with other people, usually. And just like with the other dream, we’re just walking and talking and I don’t remember what’s being said. We start fighting, stop walking, face each other, keep screaming and yelling, and the only words I remember are these: “God, you are JUST. LIKE. ASHLEY (his ex). You just taunt and tease and lead people on, make them have feelings for you, and then you act like it never happened and leave them broken. You’re such a fucking bitch!” I reel back and then slap him, then I start crying and run away. And then I wake up.

I’m frustrated, confused, and terrified to sleep. I hate these dreams. They make me hate myself, even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong. With Michael, it was a little worse because after a while, it felt that way. I have never been in a relationship, but I’ve had several random hookups and a few one-night-stands. Even after the dreams stopped, I would do these random sexual acts and then remember the dream and on my worst nights, I would just cry and keep whispering, “It’s True…” over and over again until I went numb.

But with Patrick, it’s obviously very different. We’ve never fooled around and we never brooch the subject of dating, unless it’s to reiterate why it could never work.

I don’t understand what this new dream means. It hurts because I have this ominous feeling that I’m about to lose a friend and it’s taking everything I have to not forcibly remove myself before it happens, which is what I usually do.

I just don’t know…

“I’m Gonna Lose Him.”

That’s one of my biggest fears. My feelings for you have dwindled a bit because of this new boy, but I’m not completely over it yet. And in all honesty, what’s scaring me about losing you is the thought that I’m losing you because I’m starting to not want you anymore. We talked so much because I just wanted to know that you still wanted to talk to me. I started the majority of our conversations and now I’m so busy talking to him that sometimes, I just don’t want to text you. And because I don’t, we rarely talk. You text me now, sometimes, but not like I texted you. You’re one of my best friends. I don’t want you to go. I want you in my life forever. But I’m starting to get the feeling that forever is going to be soon. We’ll have this summer, of course, but after that? I just don’t know.

You wanna know something else? When we got into that huge fight a couple of weeks ago, I actually caught myself thinking, “He Doesn’t Deserve Me. I’m Too Good For This.” You wanna know why? It’s because of that new boy. He knows all about my issues with you and he’s the first guy that told me that I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treated me. Not like you ever treated me too badly, but the leading me on, ignoring me, treating me like I’m your personal therapist and refusing to talk to me about anything regarding my feelings on the subject of Us? Yeah, I deserve better.

That’s not the first time I’ve heard it. My friends told me that all the time. But it holds a heavier weight when it’s someone you have feelings for. Someone who orders pickles on the side for you even though he hates them. Someone who steals your wallet just he can pay for your dinner, too. Someone who holds doors and says that giving advice to other people is not all that you’re here for. That guy told me I deserve better. That guy hates what you did to me; how you made me feel; how I act in terms of relationships because of how I had to act with you.

That boy is something special. I sincerely hope that one day soon, my Someone Better is him. But if it’s not, I’ll be okay with it. Honestly. Because now I know that guys like him do exist. And that he’s the kind of guy I do deserve.

Sometimes I catch myself hoping that you turn into that guy. You’ve changed recently and I’m hoping it continues. But I’ve stopped holding my breath. Maybe you’ll never be like that. But that just means you’ll never be for me. Regardless, if we never end up together romantically, I’d like it if we can always be friends.

Here’s to hoping.

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